50 things I’ve learned in 10 years as a parent
- I’ve learned that the best toys are seen but not heard.
- I’ve learned that a “friend with benefits” is a friend with a kid old enough to babysit.
- I’ve learned how frightening it is to have a 2-year-old walk up to you when you thought he was asleep in his crib.
- I’ve learned that a child’s first instinct isn’t to walk around a puddle.
- I’ve learned that how you cut the sandwich is as important as what you put in it.
- I’ve learned that board books can double as coasters.
- I’ve learned it’s important not to let young children give up… their naps.
- I’ve learned that if you buy your children a spy kit, you’re the one they will use it on.
- I’ve learned how to type the text “When are you coming home????” very quickly.
- I’ve learned that if one door closes and another opens and then slams shut, it means the kids are fighting.
- I’ve learned that little kids use words like “smelly,” “stinky,” “poopiehead,”and “poopieface” so often because for a child recently out of diapers, this is the height of effrontery.
- I’ve learned the expression “you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet” is especially true when you’re cooking with kids.
- I’ve learned that “yes” is the answer to give the first time a child asks you if the Tooth Fairy is real.
- I’ve learned that if you win when you’re playing Chutes and Ladders with a 3-year-old, you’ve really lost.
- I’ve learned that the bigger the buildup, the bigger the meltdown.
- I’ve learned that you can tell if someone is married if they wear a wedding band, and you can tell if someone’s a parent if there’s crud all over their iPhone.
- I’ve learned that after a third-year checkup, your pediatrician should wish you good luck.
- I’ve learned that being asked to explain what a tampon is can leave one speechless.
- I’ve learned that if a recently potty trained child tells you he can’t find the underwear he was wearing earlier that day, you’d better make sure you find that underwear.
- I’ve learned that very little can compete with the sight of a small child wrapped in a big towel after a bath.
- I’ve learned that flying with little kids on airplanes isn’t the worst. It’s going to the bathroom with them on the flight.
- I’ve learned not to believe the headline “Recipes Even the Pickiest Eaters Will Love.”
- I’ve learned the importance of rubber sheets.
- I’ve learned that it’s called the “witching hour” because it’s the time of day when you want to cast a spell on your children.
- I’ve learned that putting your kid down for a nap makes the doorbell ring.
- I’ve learned that if your child finds one of his drawings in the garbage can, you have a lot of explaining to do.
- I’ve learned that little kids are really good at detecting chocolate breath on others.
- I’ve learned that when you have a toddler, it’s important to have quick reflexes. I’ve learned this the hard way.
- I’ve learned that the more kids you have, the more believable the premise ofHome Alone becomes.
- I’ve learned that asking your kids to wash your car is a good idea only if you specify that they must not open the door and stick a hose inside.
- I’ve learned that I’m grateful to the inventor of the lint screen.
- I’ve learned that kids go through a lot of phases. And so do their parents.
- I’ve learned to hide the Sharpies.
- I’ve learned that the biggest difference between little kids and older ones is that little kids don’t want to leave you alone, and big ones want you to leave them alone.
- I’ve learned that parks, museums, libraries and playgrounds become infinitely more fun the moment an adult says it’s time to leave.
- I’ve learned that the fastest way to upset a toddler is to press the elevator button first.
- I’ve learned where the bathrooms are located in all of the grocery stores in my town.
- I’ve learned you don’t have to go to Las Vegas to gamble. You can just ask a 3-year-old to “hold it.”
- I’ve learned not to buy Halloween costumes far in advance because tastes change… quickly.
- I’ve learned that something always seems to be “going around.”
- I’ve learned how to tell the difference between an “I’m-hurt” cry and an “I-want-you-to-think-I’m-hurt” cry.
- I’ve learned that the opposite of get-rich-quick is having kids.
- I’ve learned there might not be crying in baseball, but there’s plenty of it in T-ball.
- I’ve learned it may take a village — but it does not take strangers in the grocery store who want to give you unsolicited advice.
- I’ve learned to sip and sit carefully on April Fools’ Day.
- I’ve learned not to correct a toddler when they put sunglasses on upside down.
- I’ve learned that there are few things more suspicious than children playing quietly.
- I’ve learned that reading a letter from school about lice makes my head itch.
- I’ve learned — like most people — that I actually know very little about parenting.
- But to my kids, I’ve learned that is not what’s important.
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